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3rd. Feb, 2009 | 06:13 pm
location: work
i'm feeling: gloomy gloomy
i'm hearing: tiger army - forever fades away

i must be so bad at life. i look back at my posts here... some days with five or six, other times days and months without a peep... but by and large, wether feeling verbose or withdrawn, most of what i've expressed is sadness and confusion and feeling trapped, lost or out-of-control.

i look over things others have said and see that, though they express concerns, woes, loss and confusion, they also speak of sunlight and joy, love and dedication.

where are those things? where's my bite of the cookie of happiness? when will i find out how to smile properly again? when will i stop hemhoraging friendships? when, oh dear gods when will i learn how to manage my finances and not have collectors calling me ever single day? (first person to point to alcohol problems gets a pencil in the earhole)1

i always seem to be chasing love that isn't there, chasing dreams that are about as likely as g.w. bush receiving "humanitarian of the year", and just generally making a fool of myself. at the same time, i dig myself deeper into situations where i don't wish to be... for example - a drunken kiss that's led to being asked out each week by someone whom, though i like as a friend, i don't have "going out" feelings for. (i've got a lot of situations like that)

though i don't think that's a stumbling block on my be-rubbled road to happiness... those are just sidetracks and billboards. i'm not sure what it is that's actually making me such a failure.

surely self confidence (or a severe lack thereof) is a major issue, as is a generally wish-washy personality and the desire to not hurt people (regardless of what some people make think, i've definitely kept the kid gloves on... you don't want me to be direct. believe me. it'll hurt.)

or is that it? am i stagnant because i try to protect people from hurt and thereby stymie my own desires? or is there more?

gods, this is so painful and confusing.

and money? i'm totally lost. broke broke broke.

i need a hug.

1. i know i have problems there, and i really do want to fix that. but it's not an easy task. i'm trying, though. i'm trying.

Comments {5}


From: pink_kan
Date: 3rd. Feb, 2009 08:25 am (UTC)

Don't know what I can do, but if I can do anything to help let me know.

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From: katy_pi
Date: 3rd. Feb, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)


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Angela Alcorn (Née Randall)

From: smangesable
Date: 4th. Feb, 2009 09:48 am (UTC)

Maybe (like me) you only remember to post to LJ when your life sucks or you're depressed. Maybe all the good times are recorded elsewhere.. like on people's cameras or theatre programs or ticket stubs. :D

It's for this exact reason that I hate reading my own LJ. Don't do it. It only makes you gloomy!

*hugs* You're an awesome person. Awesome things are bound to happen to you.

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R.J.'s Talkback Plebe Radio

From: luciusmalfoy
Date: 11th. Feb, 2009 11:48 am (UTC)



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From: razbitom
Date: 11th. Feb, 2009 11:48 pm (UTC)

i'm still in existence. except (for the time being) at facebook, where they've disabled my account for having a fake name. i can only assume that the administrator who decided to disable me had never heard of professional pseudonyms or legal name changes.

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