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14th. May, 2008 | 04:40 pm
i'm feeling: disappointed disappointed
i'm hearing: schadenfreude - avenue q

hello my friends, former friends, acquaintances and professional detachments...

it seems like such a short time ago that i was a dear friend to so many of you... so many whom, now, i never see, never speak to, and who avoid me if they see me nearby. and it's completely my fault.

it's so sad to look back a few years and see a time when i was the belle of the ball, when i'd walk in a club and everyone knew me and everyone wanted to talk to me and we all had so much fun... and realise that now the same people see me and just shake their heads in that sad, pitying way.

i'm sorry for that. i know it's my own fault. i've been battling the demons of alcoholism and drug abuse for twenty years and have managed only to defeat cigarettes and myself. it makes me erratic, criminal, embarrassing, sexually predatory and many other nasty things that i'm tremendously sorry about.

some of you have witnessed my decline up-close and in person, others have just had to endure my reprehensible behaviour in clubs and such. either way, i'm so very sorry you've had to see it. i'm sorry it ever happened.

i've lost so many wonderful people in the past couple years... so many who i would love to still count as my closest friends.

i'd do all i could to have things back the way they were if only i could win out over my foolish unconscious desire to melt my mind. but i'm not giong to take the cop-out victim route and say "oh, it's a disease..." BS. alcoholism is your own fault. i know that. we all do. i've got to beat me and that's all there is to it.

if i win, i hope to see you all again on the good side.

thanks for the great times, though. try to remember them and not the me i became?

Comments {8}

From: soniqueofages
Date: 14th. May, 2008 07:03 am (UTC)

I vote that you win and rid yourself of that demon. You can do it

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From: beanarts
Date: 14th. May, 2008 10:47 am (UTC)

It's been that long now I can't even imagine how you may have changed... If your the same as I remember from last time i saw you, then I still love you dearly. If you have somehow become someone your not, and in a way I have never seen before, then I still love you and believe you can change back to how you were.

The fact you acknowlage the problem is the first step. You just have to continue the battle and it's probably going to be a long one.

But just know, it may have been a long time since we've seen one another, Soph and I still love you to bits and miss you lots

*hugs* fight the good fight my friend.

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From: goth_vamp20
Date: 14th. May, 2008 10:54 am (UTC)

Me too! I know you'll overcome these hard times and come out the other side :) I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!
I consider you a very close friend and I hope you consider me the same. I may not know exactly what's going on but I'm always willing t help out in anyway I can. Even if it's just a hug every now and then :)
I love you and I'll be thinking about you :)

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From: absurd
Date: 15th. May, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)

I wish I knew what to say to all of that. I remember that over the time I was in Melbourne you were worrying about a lot of the same problems. Your circumstances have been wild up until now, no doubt. I don't know what specific reprehensible behaviours you're referring to.

You'll get through it if you want to enough. It sounds fucking trite, I know. I for one think you've got what it takes to do it. You sound like you want to. Take whatever your first steps are going to be.

Fucking best of luck, mate, you deserve better than these worries.

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From: msp0
Date: 15th. May, 2008 03:13 am (UTC)

Good luck ... I think you can make it. Don't think that it's all about you regarding the way people are towards you. Remember they may be fighting their own demons and that will affect they way they approach you and others.

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From: katy_pi
Date: 15th. May, 2008 03:39 am (UTC)

Good luck Hon - I love and miss you too.


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R.J.'s Talkback Plebe Radio

From: luciusmalfoy
Date: 15th. May, 2008 09:01 am (UTC)

What you're giving up drinking before moving in with me????

ARE YOU MAD?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!?!

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From: salaciouskitten
Date: 15th. May, 2008 12:37 pm (UTC)

I have never known your dark side except for perhaps the tiniest glimpse at a club. And I thought that was mostly just defeatist to yourself than harmful to others.
I still think you are a wonderful person no matter what your demons are. No one is perfect.
I'm sure you can get through.
Love and hugs,

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