Ruins

(as i recall i had to type it up and put it on geocities 'cause the messenger i was using would bug out every time it came to the word "python")

so much of that sounded like housemate rachel talking... and you made me do one of those "pfft-schlllk" sort of laughs that sound like a python with a head cold sneezing. i agree completely about the eavesdropping in galleries thing. it's always fun to overhear some high school art teacher belabouring their undeserving students with how the "interplay of light and dark signify the struggle in vietnam, while the heavy use of white represents the artist's white-hot rage at how the western world has appointed itself police of the globe" and turn to see them indicating a gesso'ed canvas, devoid of anything save a single black stripe that just happened to be painted in 1971 and titled "the opulence of zen". erm... and that's about all i remember. i went on a bit more... and now it doesn't seem as funny and i'm a bit embarrassed for hyping it so. 1

i wanna update my facebook status to reflect what i'm feeling and thinking, but i can't... i have too many professional detachments there now. there are too many people that have been added for convenience of staying "in touch" in shmoozy sense. i don't need (or want) to parade my personal feelings in front of them.

so i come here.

just to say i'm really, really sad and i don't know why.
i'm so lonely.

wow... after all this time i've finally found a fix for my LJ post thingy and can use LJ again.


woo.


though now i feel my impending post might be almost an anticlimax, so i'll wait a bit before posting it.

i never realised how stressful casting could be. AND I STILL NEED A REN!

i'm on to contacting people at the moment... it's a bit weird explaining the whys and wherefores of not giving them the role they went for and sticking them in as someone they've never heard of. makes me about as nervous as they looked when they were singing to me.


meanwhile, oreo is trying (valiantly, i may add) to kill her own shadow.

argh.

i want to rant. i want to rave. i want to spew bilious anger.

at the same time i want to make a seemingly grateful and happy statement intended in an extremely sarcastic tone.


i shan't do either, though. anger and grudges are woefully counter-productive and only hurt one's self. i'll keep it in a file somewhere off to the side of my past and let it go.


'course one can always access files at a future time should the need arise.

i must be so bad at life. i look back at my posts here... some days with five or six, other times days and months without a peep... but by and large, wether feeling verbose or withdrawn, most of what i've expressed is sadness and confusion and feeling trapped, lost or out-of-control.

i look over things others have said and see that, though they express concerns, woes, loss and confusion, they also speak of sunlight and joy, love and dedication.

where are those things? where's my bite of the cookie of happiness? when will i find out how to smile properly again? when will i stop hemhoraging friendships? when, oh dear gods when will i learn how to manage my finances and not have collectors calling me ever single day? (first person to point to alcohol problems gets a pencil in the earhole)¹

i always seem to be chasing love that isn't there, chasing dreams that are about as likely as g.w. bush receiving "humanitarian of the year", and just generally making a fool of myself. at the same time, i dig myself deeper into situations where i don't wish to be... for example - a drunken kiss that's led to being asked out each week by someone whom, though i like as a friend, i don't have "going out" feelings for. (i've got a lot of situations like that)

though i don't think that's a stumbling block on my be-rubbled road to happiness... those are just sidetracks and billboards. i'm not sure what it is that's actually making me such a failure.

surely self confidence (or a severe lack thereof) is a major issue, as is a generally wish-washy personality and the desire to not hurt people (regardless of what some people make think, i've definitely kept the kid gloves on... you don't want me to be direct. believe me. it'll hurt.)

or is that it? am i stagnant because i try to protect people from hurt and thereby stymie my own desires? or is there more?

gods, this is so painful and confusing.

and money? i'm totally lost. broke broke broke.
*sigh*

i need a hug.


1. i know i have problems there, and i really do want to fix that. but it's not an easy task. i'm trying, though. i'm trying.

bleak.

bleak bleak bleak.

i'm utterly depressed and i'm not sure why.

and i'm completely irritated that i've had to ignore phone calls and miss out on things just to keep other people happy. 's my life, damnit. 8(

i think i've figured out how things are being posted to my journal by someone other than myself... they're being done by LJ2ME, a mobile phone program for updating lj from, well, your mobile. rather than associate a phone number with your journal what it does is have you enter your username and password when you set it up, then all you need do is run the program, type in your update and submit it.

*cue some sort of dramatic music*

i did install is on my W800i. my first W800i. the one i lost at dream one night and spent the better part of a week crawling around on the floors there trying to find...

this leads me to believe that someone found it.
grr.


gotta change my password now, too.

someone seems to be able to post to my LJ via sms.

's not me, that's for sure. i'd never write "how r u"... and one just appeared a moment ago whilst i was here investigating the first two.

*ponders*

just wanted to give a quick fluff to the horrorpops for helping remind me who i am and what i used to love.

"and you wanna hold hands in the cemetary
and you wanna be lost for all eternity
and everything is dark and kinda scary
and you crave the full moon but i don't care

you want a mountaintop with a little castle
and you wanna name our kids mortitia and fester
and all the flowers you bring are always dead
and you howl at the moon and i don't care"



plus hot psychobilly girls. 8)

dear white idiots...

cornrows do not work on you.
it makes your head look like wide-wale vanilla corderouy.
for the love of all things holy and otherwise, PLEASE stop it.

if bo derek couldn't make 'em work what makes bo trailertrash think they'll be mega-hip on him?
par example...

cornrows: good on black, never on white.
make the madness end.

hello my friends, former friends, acquaintances and professional detachments...

it seems like such a short time ago that i was a dear friend to so many of you... so many whom, now, i never see, never speak to, and who avoid me if they see me nearby. and it's completely my fault.

it's so sad to look back a few years and see a time when i was the belle of the ball, when i'd walk in a club and everyone knew me and everyone wanted to talk to me and we all had so much fun... and realise that now the same people see me and just shake their heads in that sad, pitying way.

i'm sorry for that. i know it's my own fault. i've been battling the demons of alcoholism and drug abuse for twenty years and have managed only to defeat cigarettes and myself. it makes me erratic, criminal, embarrassing, sexually predatory and many other nasty things that i'm tremendously sorry about.

some of you have witnessed my decline up-close and in person, others have just had to endure my reprehensible behaviour in clubs and such. either way, i'm so very sorry you've had to see it. i'm sorry it ever happened.

i've lost so many wonderful people in the past couple years... so many who i would love to still count as my closest friends.

i'd do all i could to have things back the way they were if only i could win out over my foolish unconscious desire to melt my mind. but i'm not giong to take the cop-out victim route and say "oh, it's a disease..." BS. alcoholism is your own fault. i know that. we all do. i've got to beat me and that's all there is to it.

if i win, i hope to see you all again on the good side.

thanks for the great times, though. try to remember them and not the me i became?

where can you find an iron big enough to get the wrinkles out of a life?

what do you do when you have a situation that's out-of-control and you can't find a harmless way to fix it up?

shall i summarise? i'll try. though odds are it's just going to cause more problems...

i have to find a new place to live at the moment (a situation which seems to be haunting me these past three years). i would prefer to live alone. 's just how things work for me. i mean, were i partnered, i'd happily live with them, but living as a couple tends to have the same functionality as living alone. but, yeah... as a single person i'd like to find a place of my own where i could live without hinderance or obligation. i want to come and go as i please without worrying about bothering anyone else. i want to have people 'round when i want. i want to have overnight guests. i want to be able to wander naked and sing at the top of my lungs and not have to fit it into other people's schedules.

but i can't.

partially because it's almost fiscally impossible to get a decent place for less than $200 a week but also because i feel obligated to help provide a home for a friend of mine. they're essentially homeless (a predicament i'm familiar with myself) and i promised (at an earlier date) that when i found a place, if i had a spare room, they could rent from me until they could get a place of their own.

the intent there was to give it a couple months then get on with my life... but now it seems i'm stuck forever.

problem two is that she wants to be a couple... something in which i'm not currently interested. so living with her leaves me feeling restricted and monitored. and she's proven to be rather jealous even in the face of the fact that we're not an item.

i want out. but i can't escape my own feelings that i should be helping her. her life's been rather a mess and i just want to help get her on her feet... actually things seem to be progressing for her, but she really still needs guidance and stuff.

i'm being sucked into a morass of my own construction. *sigh*


it's so confusing i can't even think straight.

i saw cassie today.

memories. feelings.

i do not laugh at garfield. ever. it's not a funny comic. no disrespect, mr davis, but i just find it painfully bland.

however... some ingenious person out there in this weird weird world discovered something magical in it. with the mere removal of a certain fat orange cat it suddenly becomes a darkly humourous comic about a delusional schizophrenic.

it's hilarious. swear to gods.

check it out, people... garfield minus garfield.

i love it.

it's been a long time.
been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time...

well, maybe not all that lonely, as i've been in fairly crowded environs every day doing shout... and usually spending all night out with the cast & crew. lonely, but never alone.

i only get mondays off. gonna be that way 'til the 23rd... eight shows a week. 17:00 - 22:00 tuesday, 18:00 - 23:00 thursday and friday, 11:00 - 23:00 wednesday, 12:00 - 23:00 saturday, 13:00 - 18:00 sunday... and the sunday hours are automagically doubletime.

add to that staying out 'til aobut three each morning and i've barely had time to think let alone sleep, eat properly or post to this silly little thing. sad, really, as i have lots i'd like to write about... though this may or may not be the best place for all of it.

work, stress, moving house, money, people i want, people i don't, people i've lost, things i need, things i can't seem to fix...

there's one topic i'd really quite like to run on about at great length but i don't think i can. i'll need to dwell on it for a while before i know how to broach the topic.

*sigh*


oh well... gotta look at apartments and flats. have kids, fun.

's been a while. i've been massively busy.
the art centre is a big timehog. most of my days run 08:00 - 23:00 or so. and i only get one day off a week. (though that's mostly only for this run of Shout!

still... i've not had time to even think let alone post, email, cartoon or even pr0n. 8(


new on the event horizon is my contract position. no longer am i a casual art centre employee. i'm on a variable time conrtact... minimum of 20 hours a week (though most variable employees tend towards 40 - 50 hours). my main worry is my budget... i'll now be making about $5 an hour less than on casual pay. on the upside of that, though, i'll still be getting paid during blackout periods (for example, after Shout! we have a 2 week period with no shows... pretty much only contracted employees will have any work hours, and even if we don't we'll get paid for our minimum time). i'll also get vacation time and sick leave. so, if i take into consideration the time off i'll be requesting a couple times a year to do amateur theatre with nova it'll pay off pretty well.


but you know, i still can't get over the fact that i work at the art centre... i'm still over-the-moon about it. and now i'm already working my way up the ladder. next step is to get out of general hand and into technician. i think i can do it quickly enough. but yeah... i'm a pro in the entertainment industry. how fucking cool?!

mark holden is actually a really nice guy. take that all you vapid australian idol viewers.

in other news, possibly only important to people my age with a strong interest in the music of their generation, i'm working with glenn shorrock... which i find mondo cool. i can't seem to find any of my old little river band albums, but when i do i'll certainly have one autographed.

beyond that i'm just rekindling a thing for rockabilly.
dip-diddy-dip de-baw-de-baw BAW baw.

i got my christmas... one of which was the first season CD of ctrl+alt+del (with the bonus cd).


i'm filled with teh happy and joy. SO MUCH JOY

i'm moved to get back to updating my own comic. and to watching said dvd several more times.

<3 to tim buckley and my luvverly santa.

so shirley jones is actually shaun cassidy's mother and david cassidy's stepmother... i never knew. that's so cool.

in other news: to all of those who enjoyed carols by candelight last evening, get fucked. i had to sit and listen to that from about four feet away for hours only to end up sweeping a bunch of streamers off the stage then drinking beer until the channel 9 guys were done bumping out the audio bits.

i didn't get to leave for home 'til four thirty in the morning.

sure, i got to sit and drink, but i'd have much rather been in bed.

dear stupid asscock religions of the world:

ETHAN . IS . *GOD*.



that is all. cope.

so... i'm sitting here watching youtube clips ripped from old episodes of mister show (i WAY love bob and dave - almost as funny as the kids inthe hall or the vacant lot)...

and even in my joy of watching comedy that i love so, i still can't seem to clear my head.
i've spent the past week bumping don giovanni and the tales of hoffman in and out f each other and working various shows. i'm tired. and i'm... thing...

tired, sad, and depressed.

meh.


on the plus side of things, i've been part of a couple amazing operas and i've managed to finnagle my way to a couple of tickets for some beloved friends.
i hope they like it. 8)

heh... there's a WOW quest for the draenei (who just happen to be the survivors of a starship crash) called "the kessel run".

i chuckled.

tho players have 15 minutes to complete it... i'm guessing that's 'cause 12 parsecs is measurement of distance and not time. still... go the falcon. 8)

were i still a denizen of the united states i would actually, for a rare change, not throw my vote away on a write-in candidate (usually alfred e. newman) but would be throwing it away on hillary clinton.

"throwing it away?" you ask? have i got something against mrs. clinton? not at all. in fact i'm behind her 100%. i'm just also fairly certian that, although she's almost definitely going to have an amazing turn-out, she's not going to be successful on this attempt - i truly hope i'm wrong, but i just don't think america is ready.

i started retro-following her career just after former president clinton was first elected and found her to be viruous, intelligent, ambitious, genuine, driven and strong. i've long admired her and the things she hopes she can do for the country.

when america realises it's time to move on from the aging white male leaders, i hope she's the one to break the mold.


and if not hillary clinton, how 'bout george?

we got da funk... gotta have dat funk...

up at 06:00, work 'til 13:00, train to theatre - start manual labour by 14:00, work 'til 20:00 - begin show rehearsal, ASM/crew 'til 23:30, work on set build 23:30 - 01:00, go home.

repeat.


blergh.

you know what i hate most about gauging/stretching? the really good chances of tearing and subsequent infection. oh... and ears look really silly with oedema - all fat and red and shiny.

ouch.

i know this proves that im' a sad little person, but it's irking me a bit.

i was just looking at a webpage that puports to be a full list of pop culture references that can be found in world of warcraft... from music and movies, books and celebities... all kinds of stuff is cited. but there's one that fails to be mentioned.

in the jungles of stranglethorn there is a hunter & explorer. his name is hemit j nesingwary... and he's written the green hills of stranglethorn.

now please... how can people not see the reference there? i mean, i despise hemingway, but i picked up on it. are people that out of touch with literature? (clearly at least one programmer wasn't)

i am suffering from the worst writer's block. in every possible way. i'm not sure what's going on, but i can't finish a comic, write a decent journal post, write a poem, write a song... i can't seem to be creative at all. or, at best, i can be semi-creative.

i have half a comic drawn... it's been sitting since sunday and i can't think of a funny way to end it! *sobs* i tried to write a song and ended up just staring into space. and i've not touched my lj with anything of interest in forever.

i just feel so dazed, out-of-it and empty of ideas.

8(